what shall i do with myself now?

as i get older ( i know what your thinking, this guy is 15 what is he talking about ?) i find myself being put under increasing pressure to make desicions that i will concede that i am not possible of giving any sort of notion to. whether it's certain tutors about will i continue in their subject, or wether its just my father shrugging his shoulders and saying : " what are you going to do exactly?" my honest awnser is simply... i dont know. this is not an awnser i give in order to swerve a question i may not particularily want to awnser, this is the hand on heart gods honest truth.

the fact that i do not know the awnser to such questions is not from the want of trying. i often keep myself from sleeping most nights thinking of what it is i exactly want to pursue. however i feel like i am somewhat, un-educated in such affairs. sure i have careers fairs and evenings and meetings and assemblys and god knows what else, but what does it all mean. i get force fed information that i couldnt possibly compute. maybe i missed the memmo concerning what in gods name i am even studying towards, because to me it seems like i am working hard for a piece of paper at the end of it all.

when i say that i am working hard, i achieved mediocre scores in my first "wave" of exams. excelling in some areas and decending in others. however i am working no where near my potential. basicly what i am trying to say is that i am lazy. i know it , my tutors certainly know it, its pretty much the general consensus. but even though i know that i working toward my life here i feel like the work i do everyday is pointless, which of course it isnt. i often work in my aunts cafe. i will arrive at around nine am and leave at around 6 pm i have around 30-45 mins for lunch and the rest i am working my socks off. i feel like i can work hard, i feel as if i am working towards something because at the end of the day i get my £30 and go home with a warmth inside like i have achieved something. sad right?

its all well and good moaning and groaning in true teen angst style but the bottom line is: i have to work if i want to make anything out of myself. a life lesson summarised beatifully by RUN DMC " its like that... and thats the way it is!"